30 5 / 2013


Some of my followers have been with me a very long time, a few from the very beginning, and have seen me through some of the most difficult challenges I’ve ever had to face. I’m talking mostly about my hip surgery, and I’ve talked about it a lot throughout my years on tumblr, but not at all recently. For my newer followers, I’m not going to go into detail, except to say that I had hip surgery almost 3 and a half years ago, and especially right now, I need another one.

I saw my GP on Monday; a woman who, if not a good doctor, has known me my whole life and is very interested in orthopedics. I told her about the severe discomfort I’ve been feeling in my hip recently. Unfortunately, she is no specialist. I kid you not, she spent a solid 10 minutes feeling my ribs. Her recommendation was that I look into getting a shoe lift to correct the leg length discrepancy the IM rod caused (just about 1” longer than my left leg).

She didn’t even feel my hip - A hip that makes a wet pop like a champagne bottle when I move it. Am I crazy to think a doctor should address the area that hurts? To look at it for a few seconds if only to make me feel better? She referred me to see a specialist and told me to do yoga.


I’ve never had a pinched nerve in my back or slipped a disk or anything, but the pain I have been experiencing is what I imagine that feels like. An 8.5 on the pain scale. I sit down, my hip relaxes. I stand up about 75%, and it feels like a knife is going to explode out of the side of my leg. It’s the most intense pinch I’ve ever felt deep deep down in the back of my hip joint and into my lumbar. I’m frozen. I move my leg in any direction and the pain makes me nauseous. The least painful thing I can do is sit back down. I’ve spent a week crying like a baby. Yesterday was the worst, my bosses thought I was coping with a death in the family.

And here is my dilemma: I could go see my surgeon and schedule the procedure to take one or both rods out and spend 6 more months in a wheelchair waiting for my bone to fill in, and 6 months after that in physiotherapy regaining my leg strength from scratch with a chance that it will fuck up my leg even worse, OR I could try to live like this, lose my ability to exercise altogether and probably develop severe arthritis by the time I’m 35.

I don’t have health insurance at my day job. The surgery would be covered by the government, but none of the medication would be. What happens to my rent? My phone bill? My student loan?I can’t work for a while after. And if I pursue treatment now, Physiotherapy is anywhere between $100-$200 an hour and OHIP approved clinics offer a $12 rebate to those with a referral. $12? Awesome, I can pay $88 and save the rest for the horribly painful bus ride there and back. What the fuck is the point?!

I know there are some people going through hell a thousand times every day to get what they need to survive and help loved ones and recover from things much worse than I could ever imagine (much love to @succitaM and his beautiful wife) but this is my hell right now and I’ve got to do something about it. I just don’t know what.

 P.s. I look like a clown today.

  1. shiraselko said: i’m so sorry. i wish things were different :(
  2. slashleen posted this