-I want a canopy bed. They’re pointless, expensive and look like they could get annoying. PERFECT! I really fucking want one. I want to fuck my face right off on a cushy princess bed. I want sequins embedded in my ass. Tie me up with blush pink tulle! … A girl can dream.
-I’ve never felt like more of an asshole than when I tell people I’m “cutting down” on smoking. I fucking hate it. It’s disgusting. Every time I buy a pack I want to punch myself in the head with a brick. It’s doesn’t taste good. It’s a chore. A filthy, dirty whore chore. ugh. I really am smoking less. I don’t know if it will make me any more prepared to quit, but I am getting really close, guys. I just need to come up with a solid game plan to handle the withdrawal headaches and extreme fire-chest anxiety that’s going to be an inevitability.
-I’ve been in San Francisco all morning on Google street view. closest thing I’ll get to a vacation this year. I want to elope at the City Hall.
-Have I ever told y’all about Cunt Dragon? She hired me here at the Architectural Design Firm. She then proceeded to abandon all of my training, call me stupid, make me cry, steal the company files and outsource the accounting so that I basically wouldn’t have a job. Did I mention she used my boss’s Amex to buy herself $480 in brand new office supplies for her HOUSE? She is the second worst human being in the world (the worst being an old roommate of mine who took so many laxatives she shit on the wall). Well, Cunt Dragon officially submitted her resignation and will be gone for good as of May 1st. She’s leaving the country. THAT’S how much she hated me. I will be celebrating tonight.
-I apologize for being so distant on twitter. Cross my heart, there is a good reason for it. My material is being used elsewhere and rest assured, it is only temporary. I lost 5 hundred followers this month. *nervous laughter*
-Nothing breaks up your work week like taking Thursday off for a doctors appointment at zero o’clock at 123 Fake Street in IdontevencareVille.
-Recent Texts:
- “I am down with it. Way Cool. Jammin.”
- “Birth Control pills?”
- “Have you seen this dude fucking a horse video?”
- “Her bottom half looks like an exploded hard boiled egg”
- “Tired today. I was Googling death pictures last night.”
~FIN~
