I don’t want to make a big deal about it, but at the same time I really do. Maybe I didn’t make a big enough deal about it last time and that was my problem.
I woke up in a hospital bed after hip surgery and I didn’t have a choice. Cigarettes were not an option if I wanted to heal my femur back together again. No smoking, a fucking jambalaya of pain killers every day and lots of sleep - I wish I had it so easy now. I didn’t even think about quitting then, because I had way crazier, and more painful shit to focus on. I was also high as a fucking kite, so by the time I came to, my withdrawal symptoms had already subsided.
My big fuck up came about 9 months later, after I had finished all of my physiotherapy and flew to Australia to visit my sister. I limped through the Sydney airport waiting for her to pick me up and thought “I wonder if they sell Belmonts here… Can’t hurt to check.” They didn’t, so I bought a pack of Benson and Hedges for close to $16. I was alone. Who would stop me? What’s the big deal anyway? I might have one when I go out for drinks. I did. And I had the whole pack after that.
Fuck. I didn’t even like it anymore. It made me light-headed and sick. I persisted. I had to work at getting good at smoking again. I came home and smoked at college, in my car, before I went to bed. Suddenly I was smoking a pack a day, ignoring all of the things that had kept me from smoking all the months before. Cancer? Won’t happen to me! Money? Pshhhh, I can afford it. Wrinkles? That’s what makeup is for! We all think we’re fucking invincible all of the time, and the fact is, we’re very much the opposite. I started to see it. I started to feel it.
Worst of all, I am a TERRIBLE influence on the people closest to me. My boyfriend had quit when we met, I got him started again. My best friend, 100 times over. My big brother even started because of me. In high school I got 8 people smoking because I didn’t want to smoke alone. I hate thinking about that. It makes me feel so guilty.
I want everyone to know now, and I want pressure on me to do this for real and forever, but I also feel like if I make a HUGE deal of it, It will make everything overwhelming. I didn’t pick a day, I didn’t mark it in my calendar. I had a cigarette when I got home from work last night and it 100% grossed me the fuck out. That’s it. I’m done. And I’m telling you all now.
Right now I’m getting my first craving headache. It’s been about 18 hours. My brain feels foggy and I can’t concentrate. Time is standing still. I haven’t lost an ounce of will. Two weeks of hell stand in front of me. That is my immediate goal: Get through two weeks. If anyone has any suggestions how to make this any easier on myself, I’d appreciate it, but I want to do this COLD TURKEY. No nicotine. The sooner I can get it out of my body, the better.
Please send me positive vibes, at least to get through the next 15 minutes without murdering someone.