Of course what makes breakfast in bed so special is that you’re lying down and...– Jim Gaffigan
Text conversation with my Mom
ME: “I just want you to be happy and appreciative of what you have, not constantly fretting over what you don’t. I think Kanye West said that.” MOM: “Was that the day after he took a big shit on Taylor swift?”
The worst thing about drinking Friday night is the awareness of how much every sip is going to affect your performance at work Saturday morning. It’s been a long week. At this rate, I’m going postal at 10 am. OK, I lied. There are WAY worse things about drinking on a Friday night, like drunk girls whining, and fatties that look like they’ve been sitting at this bar for 8...
Last night I tried to light a cigarette on a downward angle in the rain and the zippo ignited right up my left nostril and burnt off all of my nose hair. Later on I smacked my face on the flat screen while talking about how much I love shoes. I’m a super smooth dream date babe. Still smells like burnt, and I’m not sure if it’s from setting my face on fire, or LCD brain damage.
*accidentally turn on seat warmer while driving*
10 minutes later: “Why is it so hot? WHY ARE MY GENITALS SO FUCKING HOT???”
Ornamental Deception: Is anyone really ever... →
shiraselko:Is anyone really ever genuinely happy for someone else? Or does the human condition allow for a certain lack of maturity in this area? Do we compare our current situation too much with that of another person? When we hear that someone has accomplished something or received good news - do we secretly feel more entitled than that person? Do we exact our superiority over the other...
Get home after a long day, get in comfy PJs, smoke a joint, put on Planet Earth Deep Sea, press ‘Mute’, blast Sanders Bohlke, feel like Superman, rinse, repeat.
Just tried Sake for the first time. Tasted like...
"I'm sure I'll look back on this in 6 months and...
I love when the things that come out of my brain are perfect and hilarious and so fucked up.
As most of you know, my computer exploded maybe 7 or 8 months ago, but I’ve been managing just fine because of my phone. Now my phone is exploding too. The battery is fucking dying every 3-4 hours and my SMS inbox is frozen. I seriously don’t know what I’ll do without both. Probably die. Probably cry so hard I choke on my own tears. Probably take up knitting and give up on...
It's No Bra-day Fra-day.
having a religious conversation with my family
Mom: If the universe was formed by the Big Bang, then what caused that?
Me: The big foreplay?
Mom: Shut up, Chris.